Time seems to be at a stand still

I am going through the motions of maintaining my daily life, but all it takes is the right song to send me over the edge, that song was by alicia keys this morning. I cried as though my mom had just passed moments before, trying to remenber if I had hugged her enough..if I had kissed her enough if she she knew that I loved her and how difficult it is to carry on without her. I am sorry just trying to write through and maybe heal....if you haven't talked to your Mom call her..tell her you love her and spend as much time as you can while you can.

Part 2 I lost Mom

The DR offered us pallative care, and I said yes without thinking. My older sister arrived in the mean time, and as a family we met with the pallative care Dr. Our only concern was that she be made as comfortable as possible while she transitioned. He offered us Hospice and we all agreed it would be what mother wanted. Unfortunately it was to late to move her that day, we timed the meds the time it took to take effect and they were not holding her. We explained to the nurses and then the DR that we believed that she was uncomfortable, the DR gave mom a double shot of activan and she was finally visibly comfortable. I left her at 3:00am came home and slept. When I awoke it as my sister on the phone, hospice had an opening and Mom would be moved at 2:00pm. My older brother was the only one not there. We packed up her room..and waited for the ambulance...then for the hospital to get their paperwork together. My brother and daughter went ahead so they would be there when she arrived, I rode in the ambulance with mom I talked to her all the way reminding her that Guy was coming asking her to wait for him. We arrived at hospice within 15 minutes. The nurses asked us to give them a little bit to get her settled..5 minutes past and they came out of the room ushering us in saying its' close very close. We gathered around her praying..Thanking God for giving us this great Mom and we were giving her back! 3 difficult breathes..3 minutes later my mother was gone. I will never forget those last three breathes, just like I hope I will never forget the many laughs and good times we shared. I love her..but her suffering was to great to hold her here would have been selfish. Momma..mommy..sweetpoo..gram...tine You will be missed! But I will see you again. I needed to write about this..my best friend is undergoing the cure for this cancer right this moment at the university of arkansas and I know my mother is cheering her on. Please send your prayers as well for Gina!

I Lost My Momma

I haven't been able to put together a complete sentence..you see I lost my mother. I thought I was prepared. I have been caring for her over the past 2 years, watching her suffer from multiple myeloma losing a little bit of her independence at a time. My mother was a dignified, articulate, intelligent, loving and I mean unconditional love, nurturing and so funny. On February 19, 2008 I received a call from my daughter that something was wrong with gram as she affectionately called her. Her speech was slurred..and she couldn't move her left arm. My mother told her she needed some ginger ale and that her arm had simply gone to sleep-when it woke up it would move. I told my daughter to call the nursing agency and her physician, if neither returned her call in a timely fashion call 911. I work 45 minutes from home. In a maximum security prison..I tried to go into my office and close the door and cry in peace but one of my supervisors' followed me and handled getting me a relief so I could get home. I knew when I arrived home that my mother had experienced a stroke, my daughter had called in reinforcements and my Aunts were here. The agency had sent a nurse who was attending to mother and had called for an ambulance. You see my mother refused to go until she had received her bath! She had her way! This all seems so surreal to me you see because she was my most important job. Coming home to her to care for her was my life. At the emergency room I was told that Mom had had a hemorragic stroke- a bleed to deep in her brain for there to be any intervention. when she arrived they could tell us it was a fresh stroke, but because of its' location it was strange for her not to have had a traumatic brain injury. Neuro was asked to consult, while we waited she continued to chat as though nothing was amiss. At one point she looked uncomfortable and I asked her if I could make her more comfortable, and she told me I couldn't do it anymore..it was to much for me..she then instructed me to go and get her granddaughter she could do it! So I did as I was instructed my daughter came in an effortlessly turned her. My younger brother came in from Atlanta that afternoon...this was not a good sign. My mother told the admitting physician that she was a dnr and she did not want to be placed on a ventilator. He asked her some questions to make sure she was alert enough to make that decision: the date, where she was and when he asked her who the president was she said and I quote "that dumb ass george w bush jr". The Dr. agreed that she was alert and aware and capable of making her own decision. We signed her paperwork. The head of neurosurgery came in an explained that her bleed was in an inoperable part of her brain and there was simply nothing to be done. My mother thanked him for coming with all the grace of a grand lady. My brother stayed with her that night. The next day she seemed to be holding on, I brought my son to see her and they were able to talk. The following morning everything changed..when I walked into the room and called her nae she didn't respond. I asked the nurse to call the DR. in. The DR came in and asked us to step into the hallway..she wasn't certain why caused the change but agreed it was significant, she explained to us that if the bleed had extended there would be nothing they could do. If it was edema they good give her o2 and wait it out. They would get a CT and a MRI. Within 20 mins. of those tests being completed the DR. called and said the bleed had extended and the edema was pushing on the opposite side of her brain.

19 months and still loving the journey

I am happy although my locks are fuzzy and being difficult it is really how my hair is!

I can't believe it has been 4 months since I was here

I am so sorry! My life has been crazy lately, I just returned to work. After 14 1/2 months off I wasn't sure I was ready. 10 days after returning to work my Mother was discharge from the long term unit that she has been on for 11 months. Discharged to me. I love my mother and always told her when she was ready to come home she could. I have had to learn more than this prison guard ever wanted to know about nursing. But it is a joy to serve someone who has always been selfless. A challenge for me physically I had back surgery in February, and have been told by my doctor that physically I cannot do this without putting myself in jeopardy of having to have more back surgery. I need prayer...because I refuse to send my Mother to a nursing home. This is my time to give to the woman who gave me life and I will not turn my back on her. My daughter has been wonderful without her I would not be able to do this. She given up so much of day every day to help us both! Periodically when we are truly exhausted we vent to one another cry and then suck it up and carry on. I will try to post photos soon! In the meantime peace my sisters in locs.

My daughter is an adult now!

I have tried to deny my daughters' desire to be an adult. After all I remenber every moment of her life from the first time I knew she existed..to the first time I felt her move. I love her with all my heart! She was the first grand child and has been greatly indulged by everyone in her life. Autumn is her name, it is describes so well if you are from a part of the country that enjoys a real autumn. Now my daughter will marry her best friend and love Jenny. As a mother I wish my daughters' happiness and love for the rest of their lives! To the world who may feel as though they have a right to judge and condemn..I wish you love as well. I am proud of my daughters and the wonderful group of people that are their friends. so today I introduce Autumn and Jenny.

Gerald Albright.......I love Jazz

Here are some pictures of me and my daughter from Geralds' concert this past week. The hair color is one that she picked out for me and I believe I have past 13 months Sisterlocked! yeah!