I Lost My Momma

I haven't been able to put together a complete sentence..you see I lost my mother. I thought I was prepared. I have been caring for her over the past 2 years, watching her suffer from multiple myeloma losing a little bit of her independence at a time. My mother was a dignified, articulate, intelligent, loving and I mean unconditional love, nurturing and so funny. On February 19, 2008 I received a call from my daughter that something was wrong with gram as she affectionately called her. Her speech was slurred..and she couldn't move her left arm. My mother told her she needed some ginger ale and that her arm had simply gone to sleep-when it woke up it would move. I told my daughter to call the nursing agency and her physician, if neither returned her call in a timely fashion call 911. I work 45 minutes from home. In a maximum security prison..I tried to go into my office and close the door and cry in peace but one of my supervisors' followed me and handled getting me a relief so I could get home. I knew when I arrived home that my mother had experienced a stroke, my daughter had called in reinforcements and my Aunts were here. The agency had sent a nurse who was attending to mother and had called for an ambulance. You see my mother refused to go until she had received her bath! She had her way! This all seems so surreal to me you see because she was my most important job. Coming home to her to care for her was my life. At the emergency room I was told that Mom had had a hemorragic stroke- a bleed to deep in her brain for there to be any intervention. when she arrived they could tell us it was a fresh stroke, but because of its' location it was strange for her not to have had a traumatic brain injury. Neuro was asked to consult, while we waited she continued to chat as though nothing was amiss. At one point she looked uncomfortable and I asked her if I could make her more comfortable, and she told me I couldn't do it anymore..it was to much for me..she then instructed me to go and get her granddaughter she could do it! So I did as I was instructed my daughter came in an effortlessly turned her. My younger brother came in from Atlanta that afternoon...this was not a good sign. My mother told the admitting physician that she was a dnr and she did not want to be placed on a ventilator. He asked her some questions to make sure she was alert enough to make that decision: the date, where she was and when he asked her who the president was she said and I quote "that dumb ass george w bush jr". The Dr. agreed that she was alert and aware and capable of making her own decision. We signed her paperwork. The head of neurosurgery came in an explained that her bleed was in an inoperable part of her brain and there was simply nothing to be done. My mother thanked him for coming with all the grace of a grand lady. My brother stayed with her that night. The next day she seemed to be holding on, I brought my son to see her and they were able to talk. The following morning everything changed..when I walked into the room and called her nae she didn't respond. I asked the nurse to call the DR. in. The DR came in and asked us to step into the hallway..she wasn't certain why caused the change but agreed it was significant, she explained to us that if the bleed had extended there would be nothing they could do. If it was edema they good give her o2 and wait it out. They would get a CT and a MRI. Within 20 mins. of those tests being completed the DR. called and said the bleed had extended and the edema was pushing on the opposite side of her brain.